resolve.

Concentration breaks under frivolous weight. If the right words exist, may they find our lips. Let’s stay the course and let the tension make us new. I don’t know if it’s virtue, I don’t know if it’s just dumb luck. Would it matter if it was? What if we welcomed change in or opened up just enough to let it begin?

{Sleeping At Last}

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STARS

You should see the stars tonight. How they shimmer, shine so bright against the black; they look so white, comin’ down from such a height to reach me now, reach me now. You should see the moon in the flight, cuttin’ across the misty night, softly dancin’ in sunshine. Reflections of this light reach me now; you reach me now.

And how could such a thing, shine its light on me and make everything beautiful again?

And you should feel the sun in spring comin’ out after a rain. Suddenly all is green. Sunshine on everything; i can feel it now, i feel you now.

And how could such a thing, shine its light on me and make everything beautiful?

And you should hear the angels sing, all gathered round their king. More beautiful than you could dream. i’ve been quietly listening; can hear ’em now, can hear ’em now. And how could such a king shine his light on me and make everything beautiful? And i wanna shine, i wanna be light. i wanna tell you it’ll be alright. And i wanna shine and i wanna fly just to tell you now it’ll be alright. It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright

‘Coz i got nothing of my own to give to you but this light, that shines on me shines on you and makes everything beautiful again. It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright.

~David Crowder

James Vincent McMorrow

If this is redemption, why do I bother at all
There’s nothing to mention, and nothing has changed
Still I’d rather be working at something, than praying for the rain
So I wander on, till someone else is saved

I moved to the coast, under a mountain
Swam in the ocean, slept on my own
At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay
I’d remember all the things my mother wrote

That we don’t eat until your father’s at the table
We don’t drink until the devil’s turned to dust
Never once has any man I’ve met been able to love
So if I were you, I’d have a little trust

Two thousand years, I’ve been in that water
Two thousand years, sunk like a stone
Desperately reaching for nets
That the fishermen have thrown
Trying to find, a little bit of hope

Me I was holding, all of my secrets soft and hid
Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all
So if in the future I might need myself a savior
I’ll remember what was written on that wall

That we don’t eat until your father’s at the table
We don’t drink until the devil’s turned to dust
Never once has any man I’ve met been able to love
So if I were you, I’d have a little trust

Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I’m so tired of playing these games
We’d just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

So we don’t eat until your father’s at the table
We don’t drink until the devil’s turned to dust
Never once has any man I’ve met been able to love
So if I were you my friend, I’d learn to have just a little bit of trust

[We Don’t Eat] </inlovewiththissong>

"i don't believe in any thing but myself. i don't believe in any thing but myself. but then you opened up the door. you opened up the door. now i start to believe in something else. but how do i know if i'll make it through? how do i know? wheres the proof in You? And so it goes, this soldier knows, the battle with the heart isn't easily won."

i’ve lost my desire to write… i’ve lost my desire for a few things lately; things that i’d rather not lose desire for. Periodically skeptical of the “why’s”, sometimes i just get stuck failing to move beyond it. That quote from I.Michaelson could sound like i’m hiding behind lyrics to question God, but that’s not the case here. It’s “church”, i’m struggling with yet again; just in a new way. i have lots-n-lots of questions that have just been piling up. Questions no human being can answer, so it’s not even fair to ask with any sort of expectation. It just turns into a frustrating conversation with no solution. If worship is the main point to church, i’m missing it. If discipleship is the main point, i’m failing to grasp the magnitude or practical application of it. i broke down to a couple of really great friends, last week about it and acknowledged it is not the church’s fault. i haven’t felt really ‘connected’ to a church since i was a teenager. Feeling wandering and lost on most Sunday’s these days, i don’t know what i’m expecting or what i should be expectant of anyway. There’s a huge temptation to just stop going. Thankfully, i recognize how bad of a move that would be. i anticipate how empty & defeated that would feel, not to mention pointless to actually move me towards any sort of working through whatever this is. Prayer is my only go-to right now. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

On a completely unconnected note, i saw Iron&Wine live in Buffalo this past Friday night. Samuel Beam was not at all what i had imagined he’d be like. Keeping in mind, i’ve never googled Iron&Wine or watched a video of the band. i only know their music. i was pleasantly surprised. Samuel’s voice is much more dominant live, than in recordings, which makes his music less sad-in-feeling (to me). He played songs from my most loved albums (The Shepherd’s Dog & Woman King), which made my night. “My Lady’s House” was …stunning. Being only a tight-squeezed row away from the front, qualifies as awesome too. The two noticeably drunk & obnoxious girls who i stood next to = not awesome. The Low Anthem opened up for I&W. Pretty sure they’ve been featured on Relevant before, but i couldn’t remember who they were. They asked the crowd, at the end of one of their songs, to call the cell phone of the person next to them, put it on speaker phone and hold the phones  up to each other. At first i thought they were just messing with people, but it actually made chirping sounds fill the room + one drunk girl saying “HELLO? HELLO?” over & over. I&W draw in a diverse age group and an interesting combo of hippie-hipsters. All in all, i’m very glad and grateful to have been there. I&W’s music is still incredibly intriguing and mysterious to me. Their encore song ended with a very (no pun intended) stripped down “Naked As We Came”. It gave me chills.

 

Loving a person just the way they are, it’s no small thing. It takes some time to see things through. Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting. We need grace either way. Hold on to me. I’ll hold on to you. Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through. There’s a lot of pain in reaching out and trying. It’s a vulnerable place to be. Love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces baby. Only one makes you free. Hold on to me. I’ll hold on to you. Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through. If we go looking for offense, we’re going to find it. If we go looking for real love, we’re going to find it. Loving me the just the way i am, it’s no small thing. It takes some time to see things through.

Sara Groves

illumination

Pandora is my new addiction. (the music site – not the ridiculously overpriced bracelets.)  Last week, while painting, i was listening to my Sara Groves/Shane & Shane/Josh Garrells/i-can’t-remember-who-else-i-threw-in-there station and this song got stuck in my head. Pandora has thrown a bunch of other artists it thinks i may like, in the mix & because i wasn’t really paying close attention to it, i couldn’t even remember the sound of voice/voices singing it. So yesterday i was on the hunt for it, which for the record, without actual lyrics and only a melody really of one part, is not easy. If someone would create a site where you could just hum into a speaker to search for a song, it’d be genius. Around 12am this morning, it hit me. Why then? i dunno. My mind is weird. The lyric had “illumination” in it, and it might be those Shane guys.  Long story short, i found it! (&am listening to it on repeat now because it is sovery good.) This is it:

one thing, one thing
this is what i desire, this is what i desire
sweet illumination, sweet illumination
that i may gaze upon His face
o, to know this man

sweet illumination, sweet illumination
to glory in the presence of the King
behold the sweet essence of this one thing
that i may know the Spring within me
as it rises the Spring, so sweet

Shane & Shane

(psalm 27:4)

“One thing have I asked of the LORD, that I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire (meditate) in his temple.” (ESV)

good:morning

“we will seek You first Lord. You will hear our voices, early in the morning and late in the night. we sill sing Your praises, giving You the glory, offering our lives to You a holy sacrifice. may our praise arise as incense oh Lord to You. may our worship be a fragrance Oh Lord to You.”

-Shane Barnard

The Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

allright Arcade Fire. you’re gonna have to win me over song by song. RELEVANT Magazine has raved about them for a long time now, but i still have not been fully on board (still not)… but, okay so last night @ CiBon they were serving amazing tomato soup & playing really great music and this song came on & it’s official. i love it. Especially the part where they sing “Purify colours. Purify my mind…”

As a :sidenote, having conversation with someone who is super passionate, excited about, and absolutely in love with God, is the best. i forget how long it’s been since the last time i sat across from someone, in a normal setting, whose entire being was lit up at the mention of God’s name. so good. i needed that, like i cannot even begin to explain.

morning

 

 

Whom have i in heaven but You
i desire none but You
My heart and flesh may fail but
You are the strength of my heart
You are my portion forever

 

My Portion (Shane & Shane)